Reality Cheque

Distracting myself by setting meaningless goals such as shrinking my enormous laundry pile by a obscene amount is futile.
The real truth is I am confused. And confusion is a dangerous thing. It leaves you holding onto dreams and lies much like an infant his mother. There is no room for confusion if one wishes to achieve success.
I don't know when I will get my next pay cheque. The very next one I am bound to receive one of these days but it is a useless amount of rupees three thousand that will barely cover the expenses of my water and electricity which is overdue, but not long just yet. But the arrival of the cheque after that is still a mystery.
So one would think that I would device ways to arrange for a solution to my monetary crisis. Calling it a crisis is an insensitive exaggeration that I shall take the liberty to express. One would imagine that I would pounce at every job opportunity, meaningless and meaningless, with the enthusiasm of a Lion in the presence of his prey. However, that is not the case by a thousand miles and that is not the case in the present scenario. Payment opportunities have presented themselves time and again. Soft ,hesitant knocks that hope for a response soon, very soon. And then how they disappear without warning to find a rat to place in their race. I was not fast enough to answer to these knocks, I was not confident enough. I was not uncomfortable enough. I was not ready to transition from the dream to the reality. So I ignored them and my brain rationalized the okayness of my decision quite easily. There is no place for a mouse in the rat race. And I had no intention of evolving into a rat. I told myself that it is better to be a dignified mouse than a sell out rat.
It is important to have principles. It is important to hold on to these principles with dear, dear life. I felt immense pride at the fact that I had very strong principles and very adamantly stood by them. The possession of these so called ‘principles’ made me conjure up illusions that could only cause me harm. They made me believe that I must say yes only when I am convinced. But I am confused, yes but never convinced. They drove me to think that one must only indulge, as far as possible, in activities that are enjoyable and bring only happiness to the depths one’s soul. Meaningful tasks that served a purpose, some purpose. How foolish was I to stand by these childlike principles, how foolish was I to have principles at all.
I don’ t know what it is that is stopping me from seeing the truth. Yes, it must be these principles that blindfold me with soft satin cloth making the darkness seem like a far nicer place to be in. And there you have it, the truth. I am in darkness and I don’t see it. I am stuck in a place meant for people who are afraid, who destroy their senses in order not to feel, not to hear, not to see, not to taste, not to smell. To not feel the gravity of the situation that was. To walk through a crowded street with music blaring in my ears, erasing the sound that is unpleasant and embracing the sound of sweet music. I don’t know where I am going because I am blinded by the absence of light and the presence of a dream. The bitter taste of the truth is concealed by the sumptuous piece of cake it lies within. And the fear that lingers like a crook in the night cunningly disguises itself from the olfactory mechanism. With the handicap of being senseless there is little to do.
What is important, however, is the recognition of these defence mechanisms. It is a simple process of recognizing the target and then finding a suitable way to mutilate it so that it causes no further pain or delusions of grandeur. However, the process of eliminating the bug in the system is not as easy as it appears to be. One must be ready first to embrace the truth and erase the lies. And for that to happen it is necessary to make distinctions between the truth and the lies. This task poses a threat in the process of enlightenment. Man only sees what he wants to see and the rest is just insignificant junk.
Is there an escape from this current state of affairs? Or is it as fruitless as trying to save the world, one day at a time. There is victory in the discovery of the truth being a dream. There is a far greater triumph if one has the courage to exit the dream and enter the reality. With reality comes the burden of the truth, the real truth and the world, the real world.
I am ready World. Come wrap me up with all your complexities and illness. But I cannot promise not to break down every time things go wrong. They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Well, the real truth is that I just ain’t tough.