It fades away, quietly. Almost like a cat in a dark alley. One moment its right before your eyes displaying itself with all it's glory and beauty. And then the very next moment when you look away to smoke a cigarette or distract yourself for a while with human company on the unhuman phone it disseappears into the cold, thin autumn air. And Yes it is out of sight, but not out of mind for a while. You fight for it, you search for it relentlessly. And then your life takes over. Things are as bad as before but somehow worse because of the absence of that one thing, that one amazing wonderful beautiful thing. It wasn’t a thing, it was a moment , it was an experience.
And then one night while getting wasted with a friend discussing wedding songs it made a reappearance. And it was an entry that I shall never forget. Enter Slash. Enter I am in heaven, Yes. I sit in amazement as Slash unravels his magic before my tender ears with magnificent support and co-existence from the rest of the band. As the song progresses I sink deeper into this trance that makes nirvana seem attainable. It cannot come to an end, it must be immortal. It is so awesome that it wraps me up entirely almost making me feel like music is tangible and that I, mere me, could reach out and touch it like I touch my nose or yours. And when the seconds on the music player decrease with every passing second I clutch my heart like I would if death succeeded me just a few moments away. It might sound untrue and even unreal but it is as true as the truth about wine being good for you.
The roof has been raised. Oh boy has the roof been raised. It has flown away into another timezone in the future where sex with multiple partners is as common an occurrence as love. It floats about in another universe where there are planets named after great musicians. I am floored and I shall never be the same.
The song enters me in an almost osmotic way, just oozing in as if that were the only chemical thing to do. It is going to use me as a host and from this moment on we shall share a symbiotic relationship that caters more to my needs that I to it. It will make me do great things. It makes me believe in the power that lies within my useless over weight twenty two year old body. I can move mountains,yes. I can cross every stream. I can and I will reach my dream.
And then reality dawns and I realise that there is no place for dreams in this real world. And even if there is, it would be a fact that is as useless to me as my neighbors soul. I have multiple dreams, I have multiple personalities. If I could be just one person then I would dream just one dream. But I am this and I am that. I am thin and I am fat. I cross over borders with the ease and speed of a house mouse. Never here neither there is not a pleasant place to live in especially if everyone else resides in we-have-jobs land. But just for tonight I dream on.
There is all this talk of it takes just one. I never bought into all that non-stoner jargon until it occurred to me when the fog in my brain cleared. One man can change the world, one cause can save the world and one song can make you the person you were meant to be all along. Sure, tomorrow all this will seem like a dream but today it is alive in today, tomorrow and in the rest of the future that will haunt me till the day I die and the days after that.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Reality Cheque
Distracting myself by setting meaningless goals such as shrinking my enormous laundry pile by a obscene amount is futile.
The real truth is I am confused. And confusion is a dangerous thing. It leaves you holding onto dreams and lies much like an infant his mother. There is no room for confusion if one wishes to achieve success.
I don't know when I will get my next pay cheque. The very next one I am bound to receive one of these days but it is a useless amount of rupees three thousand that will barely cover the expenses of my water and electricity which is overdue, but not long just yet. But the arrival of the cheque after that is still a mystery.
So one would think that I would device ways to arrange for a solution to my monetary crisis. Calling it a crisis is an insensitive exaggeration that I shall take the liberty to express. One would imagine that I would pounce at every job opportunity, meaningless and meaningless, with the enthusiasm of a Lion in the presence of his prey. However, that is not the case by a thousand miles and that is not the case in the present scenario. Payment opportunities have presented themselves time and again. Soft ,hesitant knocks that hope for a response soon, very soon. And then how they disappear without warning to find a rat to place in their race. I was not fast enough to answer to these knocks, I was not confident enough. I was not uncomfortable enough. I was not ready to transition from the dream to the reality. So I ignored them and my brain rationalized the okayness of my decision quite easily. There is no place for a mouse in the rat race. And I had no intention of evolving into a rat. I told myself that it is better to be a dignified mouse than a sell out rat.
It is important to have principles. It is important to hold on to these principles with dear, dear life. I felt immense pride at the fact that I had very strong principles and very adamantly stood by them. The possession of these so called ‘principles’ made me conjure up illusions that could only cause me harm. They made me believe that I must say yes only when I am convinced. But I am confused, yes but never convinced. They drove me to think that one must only indulge, as far as possible, in activities that are enjoyable and bring only happiness to the depths one’s soul. Meaningful tasks that served a purpose, some purpose. How foolish was I to stand by these childlike principles, how foolish was I to have principles at all.
I don’ t know what it is that is stopping me from seeing the truth. Yes, it must be these principles that blindfold me with soft satin cloth making the darkness seem like a far nicer place to be in. And there you have it, the truth. I am in darkness and I don’t see it. I am stuck in a place meant for people who are afraid, who destroy their senses in order not to feel, not to hear, not to see, not to taste, not to smell. To not feel the gravity of the situation that was. To walk through a crowded street with music blaring in my ears, erasing the sound that is unpleasant and embracing the sound of sweet music. I don’t know where I am going because I am blinded by the absence of light and the presence of a dream. The bitter taste of the truth is concealed by the sumptuous piece of cake it lies within. And the fear that lingers like a crook in the night cunningly disguises itself from the olfactory mechanism. With the handicap of being senseless there is little to do.
What is important, however, is the recognition of these defence mechanisms. It is a simple process of recognizing the target and then finding a suitable way to mutilate it so that it causes no further pain or delusions of grandeur. However, the process of eliminating the bug in the system is not as easy as it appears to be. One must be ready first to embrace the truth and erase the lies. And for that to happen it is necessary to make distinctions between the truth and the lies. This task poses a threat in the process of enlightenment. Man only sees what he wants to see and the rest is just insignificant junk.
Is there an escape from this current state of affairs? Or is it as fruitless as trying to save the world, one day at a time. There is victory in the discovery of the truth being a dream. There is a far greater triumph if one has the courage to exit the dream and enter the reality. With reality comes the burden of the truth, the real truth and the world, the real world.
I am ready World. Come wrap me up with all your complexities and illness. But I cannot promise not to break down every time things go wrong. They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Well, the real truth is that I just ain’t tough.
The real truth is I am confused. And confusion is a dangerous thing. It leaves you holding onto dreams and lies much like an infant his mother. There is no room for confusion if one wishes to achieve success.
I don't know when I will get my next pay cheque. The very next one I am bound to receive one of these days but it is a useless amount of rupees three thousand that will barely cover the expenses of my water and electricity which is overdue, but not long just yet. But the arrival of the cheque after that is still a mystery.
So one would think that I would device ways to arrange for a solution to my monetary crisis. Calling it a crisis is an insensitive exaggeration that I shall take the liberty to express. One would imagine that I would pounce at every job opportunity, meaningless and meaningless, with the enthusiasm of a Lion in the presence of his prey. However, that is not the case by a thousand miles and that is not the case in the present scenario. Payment opportunities have presented themselves time and again. Soft ,hesitant knocks that hope for a response soon, very soon. And then how they disappear without warning to find a rat to place in their race. I was not fast enough to answer to these knocks, I was not confident enough. I was not uncomfortable enough. I was not ready to transition from the dream to the reality. So I ignored them and my brain rationalized the okayness of my decision quite easily. There is no place for a mouse in the rat race. And I had no intention of evolving into a rat. I told myself that it is better to be a dignified mouse than a sell out rat.
It is important to have principles. It is important to hold on to these principles with dear, dear life. I felt immense pride at the fact that I had very strong principles and very adamantly stood by them. The possession of these so called ‘principles’ made me conjure up illusions that could only cause me harm. They made me believe that I must say yes only when I am convinced. But I am confused, yes but never convinced. They drove me to think that one must only indulge, as far as possible, in activities that are enjoyable and bring only happiness to the depths one’s soul. Meaningful tasks that served a purpose, some purpose. How foolish was I to stand by these childlike principles, how foolish was I to have principles at all.
I don’ t know what it is that is stopping me from seeing the truth. Yes, it must be these principles that blindfold me with soft satin cloth making the darkness seem like a far nicer place to be in. And there you have it, the truth. I am in darkness and I don’t see it. I am stuck in a place meant for people who are afraid, who destroy their senses in order not to feel, not to hear, not to see, not to taste, not to smell. To not feel the gravity of the situation that was. To walk through a crowded street with music blaring in my ears, erasing the sound that is unpleasant and embracing the sound of sweet music. I don’t know where I am going because I am blinded by the absence of light and the presence of a dream. The bitter taste of the truth is concealed by the sumptuous piece of cake it lies within. And the fear that lingers like a crook in the night cunningly disguises itself from the olfactory mechanism. With the handicap of being senseless there is little to do.
What is important, however, is the recognition of these defence mechanisms. It is a simple process of recognizing the target and then finding a suitable way to mutilate it so that it causes no further pain or delusions of grandeur. However, the process of eliminating the bug in the system is not as easy as it appears to be. One must be ready first to embrace the truth and erase the lies. And for that to happen it is necessary to make distinctions between the truth and the lies. This task poses a threat in the process of enlightenment. Man only sees what he wants to see and the rest is just insignificant junk.
Is there an escape from this current state of affairs? Or is it as fruitless as trying to save the world, one day at a time. There is victory in the discovery of the truth being a dream. There is a far greater triumph if one has the courage to exit the dream and enter the reality. With reality comes the burden of the truth, the real truth and the world, the real world.
I am ready World. Come wrap me up with all your complexities and illness. But I cannot promise not to break down every time things go wrong. They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Well, the real truth is that I just ain’t tough.
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